Saturday, June 2, 2012

Pirates in Space

I once watched the second Pirates of the Carribean movie and wondered dully with rum soaked pupils why the Sarlacc pit had arrived one movie too soon and was eating Johnny Depp. Upon my recent re-watching I understand now that an antihero and real hero and action girl were fighting an only slightly different evil empire. I'm not trying to say that the writers stole it but perhaps every single day during lunch Episodes IV-VI were playing in the break room.
This, is totally different
...than this
We have two fantastic anti- heroes Johnny Depp and Han Solo with equally amazing ships The Black Pearl and The Millennium Falcon who both have favorite hairy best pal Gibbsbacca the lovable fur beast. Our herohero is a young man of humble origins going on epic quest to fight the major evil and eventually find out the truth of his heritage that his father has begun something awful. Elizabeth Swann is the new Lea, both women born into power who over the course of the overarching plot at some point fall for both heroes.
It's with the specifics that the analogy starts to loose its steam but let's rail on regardless.
other adventures while rumdrunk
C3P0 and R2D2 have been replaced with a set of 'those two guys' that like to show up in some 70% of movies across the grid. Bonus points that they're of body types that counter one another (a.k.a. skinny and fat). In place of the Rancor and the Sarlacc pit, we have the  Kraken.
For Darth Vader we have Dave Jones, two men torment by women and/or their deaths...into evil...for some reason. And the big bad Palpatine regrew his hair and held on to vague accent as Edward Norington, both revealed to be in control of the villain from movie two on. Lando Calrizian is Swann's old fiance and helps our rebels with their cause. Admiral Akbar is now a blind lady pirate.
On the note of animals, while I appreciated the bird motif Jack Sparrow, Elizabeth Swann, Will Turner (a type of pigeon no gave any fucks for) I noticed that no one was a Falcon so as not to shine direct light on the paper thin veil.
Or to place the whole plot in bullet points
  • Darth Davey Jones Vaders falls for a woman who for vague reasons cause him to go insane and turn to a robotic James Earl Jones or Chthulu's cousin.

true angst involves hideous transformation
  • Swannlakelea action girl and Willy Skywalker meet by fate
  • Willy Skywalker gets a call to action and begins on a quest
  • We meet a jolly band o' misfits and rebels
  • Jack Solo proves he's a bad ass
  • Trip to Cloudy Tortuga City, shit's all crazy
  • Willy Skywalker finds the disturbing truth about his father Bootstrap Vader
  • Narrative takes us to a swamp place to get advice/training from Callipsyoda, bonus points that both journeys seem to only take a few hours
  • Jack Solo gets stuck in the narrative limbo of frozen Krakonite
  • The Dark British Empire shows its anger at the rebel pirates
  • Will Skywalker with a jolly band o' misfits saves Jack Solo from frozen Krakonite
  • someone vaguely evil mourns a giant dead killing machine beast
  • We get to meet the rebel leaders with a fish man and blind Chinese woman
  • Palpatinbeckett does some evil shit
  • Darth Jones and Palpatinbeckett are killed by the band o' rebels
  • Hero gets the girl
  • After sort taking down the Dark India Trading Empire, we cheer
  • I stop purchasing DVDs and return to illegal downloading like a sane person
The only significant difference is each movie's love triangles. Swannkinght is not Orlando Turner's brother and their relationship can continue incest free. Woot.
What's really eerie is that in the first of the Pirates movies Swannknight pretends to be Bootstrap's spawn (making her Will's sister) giving Gore a good shot for a parentage reveal that I suppose he chose against for fearing of seeming a little too familiar.
Your choice of characters and messages. Pirates or Space Pirates, Imperialism is evil or....Imperialism is evil. In any event, both good flicks when drunk.

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